i was born a porn star she said
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
