As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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