There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
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i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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