everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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