Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
