i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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