so let's talk penis.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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