just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
