I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
