I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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