I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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