remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
