2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
