they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
