My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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