Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I understand Curling. That high.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
