eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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