Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
