Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
