do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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