Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
