i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
