It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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