yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Farmville is her only friend.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
