She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
