some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat