I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
