Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
