tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
