I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
