at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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