tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
