Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
