Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
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He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
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I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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