our cab driver is having phone sex.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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