Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
