Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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