i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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