last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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