He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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