I accidentally burped into my bong.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
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After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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