I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
