You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
