Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
