i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
