and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
