Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
