If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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