Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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