I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
