I think my fart just growled at me.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
