Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
