nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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