My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
