Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
