you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think my nap took me to another dimension
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
