Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
