If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
