You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
