theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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