I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
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The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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