It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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