I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
