shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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